Unreasonable people make good reminders

When I interpret someone as being unreasonable it is likely the case that what makes sense to me in this situation is not being reflected by that person’s actions. So this acts as a good reminder that we all see the world differently and what makes sense to me does not necessarily make sense for everyone.

People do not just choose to be unreasonable in the moment. Our behaviour is motivated by what is important to us at the time. If someone is being unreasonable then I want to explore why. If I can discover what is motivating them, I am more likely to understand their unreasonable behaviour and be more accepting of it.

I believe we are all motivated by 4 factors: our values, strengths, cravings and desired outcomes. When faced with unreasonableness in the past, I have been quick to assess that it is about desired outcomes. For example, a person may get verbally aggressive at the grocery checkout line because their bags are being packed too slowly for their liking. We may be quick to judge that the person’s desired outcome is to get somewhere quickly and the grocery packer is in the way of that, prompting their unreasonableness.

More often than not though, the real motivation has to do with the other 3 factors. It could be that the situation was challenging the person’s strengths or possibly eliminating the need for them to contribute their strengths. For example, the person may be very reliable and they are afraid of missing an appointment which they think would look badly on them.

It could be the person thinks their values are being challenged. Maybe this shopper has a value of being considerate and they are already late to pick someone up. Is that prompting their unreasonableness?

It could also be that the person’s cravings, or the feelings we strive to create, are motivating them to act in ways I judge to be unreasonable. Maybe our shopper has a craving for independence and being dependant on this bag packer to move quickly is prompting the unreasonableness.

Many times people are not even aware they are being unreasonable, or at least not until it is too late. In even more of these situations, people are not sure exactly why they are reacting the way they are. Take our shopper. They may not have noticed their verbal aggressiveness and if they did, would they stop to understand why or would they feel justified because they are in a hurry?

So when I am faced with unreasonableness, I look to identify the factor a person is motivated by so I can be more accepting of the behaviour. I am not always successful. Sometimes, I am left with the notion that unreasonable people are good reminders that we all see the world differently.